There is Only One Thing Moms Need
Over the weekend I was having lunch with one of my closest friends. She recently became a mother and during our conversation about all things motherhood she said,
“Ariel, don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom but becoming a mom ruined my life in the best way. Nothing is the same. I don’t have the same life I did before kids, at all.”
She was right. Your whole life changes when you enter into parenthood. It’s not something anyone can truly prepare you for but wow do we sure try to sell these new moms on a lot of things that they “need” to make life easier with children. We spend massive amounts of money buying all the things to take care of children and we completely neglect taking care of the mother. Without a doubt, every time I see a baby registry, it is filled with all kinds of products for the baby and maybe a few for the postpartum mom. Now you may be thinking “Ariel, it’s called a baby registry, it’s not for the mom!” This is true, but we have to acknowledge that caring for the whole of the family is just as crucial as caring for the newborn alone. The registry isn’t the point though. The truth is, even if the registry was filled with items for the mom, she doesn’t need any of it.
There is only 1 thing that mom’s need to make their motherhood journey easier. Moms need COMMUNITY.
Time and time again I see new moms struggling silently. I remember with my first baby, all my OBGYN appointments started with “How are you feeling” and once the baby was born it shifted to “how’s the baby?!” After I had my son, I went in for my 6 week check up and I told the doctor that I felt like I was getting mastitis - an infection of the breast tissue due to breastfeeding. She briefly checked my breasts and said “nah, I wouldn’t worry about it, just breastfeed more or use a pump” Then she said “ Everything looks normal! You can carry on”. The next morning, I woke up with a 104 degree fever and was diagnosed with mastitis. After I got on antibiotics, my body was so traumatized from all of the drugs and hormones happening to recalibrate my body, that I developed an autoimmune rash for 12 weeks. None of that was normal!
Those moments as a new mom were tough. Before becoming a mom, I had all of these ideas and expectations in my mind about what it would look and feel like to be a new mom. A lot of those expectations were immediately squashed..if you are a mom then you know what I am talking about. It was all completely different than what I had thought motherhood would be. It often felt as though I was completely alone even though I had people all around me. At the time, I was the first person in my friend group to have a baby so it was hard for my friends to truly understand what I needed. I didn’t know any working moms that didn’t have family close by or anyone that had to worry about the cost of childcare. I didn’t know how to voice what I needed and there was probably a part of me that felt I had to do it on my own in order to be a good mom. Then, one mom stepped in.
After the birth of my son, our church put together a meal train. They set up a schedule for people in our community to bring meals for a few weeks without us having to coordinate or host anyone. One night, another mom in our community came by to drop off food. As she was leaving she said to me “You know, when I had my baby, I felt super alone and going for walks really helped me feel myself again. If you’re up for it, I can go for a walk with you next week.” I said “sure” thinking that it would never end up happening. One week later, she texted me and asked again. I said yes, we picked a morning in between naps and school drop offs, and we went for a walk. That walk not only brought up my mood and made me feel seen, it helped me become a better mom. She validated everything I was feeling as a new mom in words that I didn’t yet have to express it. My body felt a sense of relief because it got to move and my brain was stimulated by speaking to another human that could actually talk WITH me. I could return home, ready to take on the day and be more patient with my child.
That walk changed the way that I saw motherhood and community.
Not only did that mom help me just by being there, she motivated me to do that for the next mom. I signed up to give meals on the meal train list and texted my neighbors with babies to see if they could bring the kids out to play. I wouldn’t be able to “repay” that mom for helping me find my sanity but I could definitely pass that love on to other new moms.
I began to see community as a collective team effort. I could see that this wasn’t a 1 to 1 trade. It was an all hands in the center of the circle saying “I’m in.” Some days it looked like raising my hand when I needed help and other days it was raising my hand saying I can give help.
During that first year, I became more intentional about reaching out to the moms I knew. I texted my neighbor who had a baby the same age as mine and I told her my embarrassing mishap ( don’t judge, your kid has fallen off the bed too!). She responded telling about how she accidentally locked her keys in the car and caused a whole spectacle in the Target parking lot with her kids. We would commiserate about how hard it was being a mom and when we saw each other in our driveways, instead of waving hi and walking inside, we stopped to help each other.
When a friend of a friend had a new baby a few months later, I asked if I could bring her boba. That boba date turned into weekly hangs and our own friendship. I vividly remember one occasion. I was feeling like a supermom that day; maybe the baby went down for a nap on time or I got some to-do list items checked off. Either way, I texted her asking if I could bring us boba and she asked me to come to her place. She was having a day opposite of mine where everything felt out of control. We sat on her floor while the babies crawled around and we cried together. It wasn’t over anything outrageous. She was having a hard day and I knew exactly what that felt like. I sat with her on the soft beige carpet of her living room until her husband came home from work.
It’s been almost 5 years since that first walk and there have been many instances since then when my family needed support. Earlier this year, my husband needed emergency surgery. Instead of feeling isolated and scared, I knew to reach out to my community. I texted, called, and talked to the people who could lend support. I raised my “I need help” hand. And guess what? Those next 4 days were filled meals delivered, friends coming over to help with the kids and comfort me, and family calling us to check in. Instead of feeling scared and manic, I felt resilient and prepared to handle each day. Don’t get me wrong, I was still worried, but I wasn’t alone. That very hard week ( and months of recovery) turned out to be not nearly as overwhelming because I could lean on my people.
I have countless stories of times when our family has been in need and just as many stories of us helping families around us. That’s what community has given us. Community has allowed my family to thrive and allowed us the opportunity to lift up the people in our lives as well.
New moms don’t need the fancy swaddles (though they are cute). They don’t need the best stroller or even the aesthetically pleasing sound machine that lights up in colors. Those are all nice to haves.
Moms need PEOPLE.
They need people who will bring them a meal so they don’t have to think about cooking. They need people that can help take care of the baby and shoo them away to go sleep - not sit on the couch and make the new mom feel as though she is now hosting a lunch. They need people to check in and remind them that they are not alone, no matter how hard today may feel.
Parenting ruins our lives in the best way. It breaks down everything that was normal and reminds us that we can’t actually do this life alone. Building a community is necessary in all stages of parenting and it’s the difference between suffering in silence and finding peace in the ups and downs that life brings. Next time you get a gift registry for a new baby, give your friend the gift of community.
IDEAS FOR SUPPORTING MOMS
( especially but not limited to the new mamas)
NOTE: Do not text a new mom saying “Let me know what you need”, all that does is add to her to do list to tell you what to do. It isn’t helpful. Instead, send a gift card or leave a coffee at her doorstep. If you want a walk, ask specifically if you can join her for a walk and offer a few days or times that might work. Here are some options to support mamas:
Take a walk
text a mom to let her know “you are doing your best! I see you and I love you!”
Encourage a new mom to love her body. That body is working so damn hard to keep her alive and we love her for that.
Make a meal or set up a meal train
Bring a new mom her favorite drink ( like afternoon iced tea with Boba!)
Send a gift card for Starbucks, Doordash or a mommy brand that sells postpartum wear
Offer to watch the baby so the mommy can sleep, have some self care, or anything else that will allow her to feel peace of mind
P.S. these ideas also apply to those new parents in the workplace! Set up a meal train or a schedule for coworkers to check in with the new parents in addition to the team baby gift!
*Written by and taken from Ariel Corrales’ blog